原创 人物记者 人物
Original, journalist, People Magazine
文｜龚菁琦 By Gong Jingqi
编辑｜金石 Editor | Jin Shi
摄影｜尹夕远 photograph | Yin Xiyuan
2019年12月30日，艾芬曾拿到过一份不明肺炎病人的病毒检测报告，她用红色圈出「SARS 冠状病毒」字样，当大学同学问起时，她将这份报告拍下来传给了这位同是医生的同学。当晚，这份报告传遍了武汉的医生圈，转发这份报告的人就包括那 8位被警方训诫的医生。
On December 30,2019, Ai Fen received a report from an unidentified pneumonia patient. She circled the word "SARS-like coronavirus" in red. Asked by a college classmate, she photographed the report and sent it to her fellow doctor. That night, the report was circulated among doctors in Wuhan, including the eight who had been admonished by the police.
This caused a problem for Ai Fen, who was questioned by the hospital's Discipline Inspection Board since she's the source of the spread, and she suffered from "an unprecedented and severe reprimand". The Board claimed that Ai Fen, as a specialist, was spreading rumors.
In previous reports, Ai Fen has been described as "another admonished female doctor known to the public, " or as a "whistle-blower, " which she corrected by saying she was not the whistle-blower, but the one who distributed whistles.
This is the second report from the cover of People Magazine's March issue of Wuhan Doctor.
It was 5:00 a.m. on March 1 when we got the text message from Ai Fen, head of Emergency Department of Wuhan Central Hospital agreeing to an interview. About half an hour later, at 5:32 a.m. on March 1, her colleague Jiang Xueqing, the head of Thyroid and Breast Department, died of Covid-19. Two days later, the hospital deputy director of Ophthalmology Mei Zhongming passed away. He and Li Wenliang worked in the same department.
截止 2020年3月9日，武汉市中心医院已有4位医护人员因感染新冠肺炎去世——疫情发生以来，这家离华南海鲜市场只几公里的医院成为了武汉市职工感染人数最多的医院之一，据媒体报道医院超过 200人被感染,其中包括三个副院长和多名职能部门主任，多个科室主任目前正在用ECMO维持。
As of March 9, 2020, four medical staff of Wuhan Central Hospital had died from Covid-19. -- as a result of the outbreak of the disease, The hospital, just a few kilometers from The Huanan Seafood Wholesale Market, has become one of the most infected hospitals in Wuhan, with more than 200 people reported to have been infected, including three vice deans and several department heads, multiple department heads are currently undergoing ECMO treatment.
In the shadow of death over Wuhan's biggest grade A tertiary hospital. A doctor told People Magazine that there was almost no conversations in several big WeChat groups of the hospital. Mourning and discussion are done privately.
悲剧原本有机会避免。2019 年 12 月 30 日，艾芬曾拿到过一份不明肺炎病人的病毒检测报 告，她用红色圈出「SARS 冠状病毒」字样，当大学同学问起时，她将这份报告拍下来传给 了这位同是医生的同学。当晚，这份报告传遍了武汉的医生圈，转发这份报告的人就包括那 8 位被警方训诫的医生。
Tragedy could have been avoided. On December 30,2019, Ai Fen received a report from an unidentified pneumonia patient. She circled the word "SARS-like coronavirus" in red. Asked by a college classmate, she photographed the report and sent it to her fellow doctor. That night, the report was circulated among doctors in Wuhan, including the eight who had been admonished by the police.
This caused a problem for Ai Fen, who was questioned by the hospital's Discipline Inspection Board since she's the source of the spread, and she suffered from "an unprecedented and severe reprimand". The Board claimed that Ai Fen, as a specialist, was spreading rumors.
3 月 2 日下午，艾芬在武汉市中心医院南京路院区接受了《人物》的专访。她一个人坐在急诊室办公室中，曾经一天接诊超过1500位患者的急诊科此时已恢复了安静，急诊大厅里只躺着一名流浪汉。
In the afternoon of March 2, Ai Fen was interviewed by People Magazine in the Nanjing Road Section of Wuhan Central Hospital. She sat alone in the office of the emergency room, where more than 1,500 patients had been treated in one day. It was now quiet again, with only one homeless man lying in the lobby.
In previous reports, Ai Fen has been described as "another admonished female doctor known to the public, " or as a "whistle-blower, " which she corrected by saying she was not the whistle-blower, but the one who distributed whistles. During the interview, Ai Fen mentioned the word "regret" several times. She regretted not having continued to blow the whistle after she was admonished, especially for her deceased colleagues. "If I had foreseen this day, I wouldn't have cared if they criticized me or not. I would spread this information everywhere, right?"
What has Ai Fen experienced in the past two months in Wuhan Center Hospital? Here is the narrative from Ai Fen:
前所未有的训斥 unprecedented reprimand
On December 16 last year, we admitted a patient in the Emergency Department of Nanjing Road Section who had inexplicable high fever. Medication did not even changed his temperature. On the 22nd, he was transferred to Department of Respiratory. They collected his bronchoalveolar lavage fluid(BALF) with fiberoptic bronchoscopy, and sent it out for high-throughput sequencing. It was then verbally reported as coronavirus. At that time, the physician in charge of the patient kept telling me several times: it's coronavirus. Later we learned that the patient was working in The Huanan Seafood Wholesale Market.
紧接着12月27日，南京路院区又来了一个病人，是我们科一位医生的侄儿，40 多岁，没有任何基础疾病，肺部一塌糊涂，血氧饱和只有 90%，在下面其他医院已经治疗了将近10天左右都没有任何好转，病人收到了呼吸科监护室住院。同样做了纤维支气管镜取了肺泡灌洗液送去检测。
Then, on December 27, another patient was admitted to Nanjing Road Section. He was the nephew of a doctor in my department. He was in his 40s without underlying diseases, his lungs was in very poor condition, and his oxygen saturation was only 90%. He did not get better after a 10 day long treatment in a local hospital, and he was then admitted to the Intensive Care Unit of Department of Respiratory. They also collected his bronchoalveolar lavage fluid(BALF) with fiberoptic bronchoscopy to do the lab test.
12月30日那天中午，我在同济医院工作的同学发了一张微信对话截图给我，截图上写着：「最近不要去华南啊，那里蛮多人高烧……」他问我是不是真的，当时，我正在电脑上看一个很典型的肺部感染患者的 CT，我就把 CT 录了一段 11 秒钟的视频传给他，告诉他这是上午来我们急诊的一个病人，也是华南海鲜市场的。
At noon on December 30, my classmate at Tongji Hospital sent me a screenshot of a conversation on Wechat. The screenshot said: "Don't go to The Huanan Seafood Wholesale Market recently, there are quite a lot of people with high fever there... " He asked me if it was true. I was checking a CT scan of a typical lung infection of a patient on my computer, and I sent him an 11 second video of the scan, telling him that the patient came to my Emergency Department this morning, and he also worked in The Huanan Seafood Wholesale Market.
当天下午4点刚过，同事给我看了一份报告，上面写的是：SARS冠状病毒、绿脓假单胞菌、46 种口腔/呼吸道定植菌。我仔细看了很多遍报告，下面的注释写着：SARS 冠状病毒是一种单股正链RNA病毒。该病毒主要传播方式为近距离飞沫传播或接触患者呼吸道分泌物，可引起的一种具有明显传染性，可累及多个脏器系统的特殊肺炎，也称非典型肺炎。
Around 4 p.m. that day, my colleague showed me a report that read: SARS coronavirus, pseudomonas Aeruginosa, 46 oral and respiratory colonization bacteria. I read the report carefully many times, and the following note read: SARS coronavirus is a single, positive-strand RNA virus. The virus is mainly transmitted by close droplets or by contact with the respiratory secretions of infected persons, causing a particularly contagious form of pneumonia involving multiple organ systems, also known as atypical pneumonia.
At that time, I was so shocked, this was a very terrible thing. The patient was admitted to Department of Respiratory, and Department of Respiratory was supposed to report this. For consideration of security and attention, I immediately called the Public Health Department and the Infection Control Department of my hospital. The head of Department of Respiratory who once fought the SARS was walking past my office, and I grabbed him saying, "one of our patients was admitted to your department and we found this. ". He was like, "that's a problem then. ". I knew this was gonna be a huge issue.
给医院打完电话，我也给我同学传了这份报告，特意在「SARS 冠状病毒、绿脓假单胞菌、46 种口腔/呼吸道定植菌」这一排字上画了个红圈，目的是提醒他注意、重视。我也把报告发在了科室医生群里面，提醒大家注意防范。
After I called the hospital, I also sent the report to my classmate. I drew a red circle on "SARS coronavirus, pseudomonas Aeruginosa, 46 kinds of oral / respiratory colonization bacteria" to remind him to pay attention to this. I also shared the report in the wechat group of Department Doctors to remind them to take precautions.
This thing spread all over that night, the screenshots shared around was the picture that I drew red circle on. The one that Li Wenliang shared in the group chat was also that picture. And I wondered if I would then get into trouble. At 10:20, the hospital sent a message, forwarded from Wuhan's Health Commission, the general idea was: don't release the unexplained pneumonia to the public, otherwise, this may cause panic. Those who released the information and caused panic would be held accountable.
I was so scared that I immediately sent the message to my classmates. After about an hour, the hospital sent another notice, again emphasizing that the relevant information in the group should not be shared. The next day, at 11:46 p.m. on January 1, the chief of Discipline Inspection Board of the hospital sent me a message asking me to come by the next morning.
That night I could not sleep, I was very worried, thinking over and over again. Then I felt that each coin has two sides, reminding Wuhan medical staff to take precautions might not be a bad thing. The next morning, the call came at around 8:00 a.m. before I had finished my shift, urging me to come.
In the interview that followed, I suffered from an unprecedented and severe reprimand.
At that time, the leader said, "We feel ashamed when going out for a meeting. Some leader criticized Ai Fen: as the head of the Emergency Department of Wuhan Central Hospital, as a specialist, how could she spread rumors without principles and discipline? " That's what they said. They asked me to go back to my department and informed each of them one by one of what I have learned. Wechat and SMS were not allowed, only face-to-face conversation or phone call were permitted. And anything about the pneumonia would be a ban, “talking this with husband is also not allowed”...
He wasn't criticizing you for not working hard, he was just saying, it's like I'm the only one who's sabotaging the entire Wuhan's nice situation. I had a sense of despair, I'd been working seriously and diligently. I think the things I did make sense, I followed the rules and I made a mistake? I saw this report, and I also reported it to the hospital. My classmates and colleagues and I exchanged information about the case of a patient. Without revealing any personal information about the patient, it was like discussing a medical case among medical students. When you, as a clinician, already knew that an serious virus had been found in a patient, how could you not tell other doctors what you knew when they asked about it? That's what doctors instinctively do, ritht? What did I do wrong? I did what a doctor and a person would normally do, which is what I think anyone would do the same.
I was very emotional at that time, I told them that I would be responsible for this, others had nothing to do with it. You could simply put me in jail. I said I would not be able to continue my role in this position, and I needed to take a break. The leader did not agree, saying that was the right time to test me.
When I got home that night, I remember telling my husband, if anything happens to me, you take good care of the kids. My second baby is very young, just over a year old. He was confused and I didn't tell him I was being admonished. I didn't tell him what happened until January 20, after Zhong Nanshan confirmed that there existed human-to-human transmission. During that time, I simply reminded my family not to go to crowded places and to wear masks when going out.
很多人担心我也是那 8 个人之一被叫去训诫。实际上我没有被公安局训诫，后来有好朋友问我，你是不是吹哨人？我说我不是吹哨人，我是那个发哨子的人。
Many people were worried that I was one of those eight people being admonished. In fact, I was not admonished by the police. Later, a good friend asked if I was the whistle-blower or not. I said I was not the whistle-blower, but the one who distributed whistles.
But that interview hit me very hard. When I came back, I felt like my heart was breaking. I forced myself to be energetic to do things seriously. I couldn't answer the questions later asked by other people.
我能做的就是先让急诊科重视防护。我们急诊科 200 多人，从1月1号开始，我就叫大家加强防护，所有的人必须戴口罩、戴帽子、用手快消。记得有一天交班有个男护士没戴口罩， 我马上就当场骂他「以后不戴口罩就不要来上班了」。
All I could do was to let my department pay enough attention to precautions. My department had over 200 people, and since January 1st, I've been telling everyone to enhance precautions. Everyone was required to wear masks, hats, and use hand sanitizer. I remember one day a male nurse did not wear a mask at the shift. I immediately scolded him, "you don't need to work if you continue to work without a mask".
On January 9, when I got off work, I saw a patient at the pre-examination table coughing . From that day on, I asked them to hand out masks to each patient who came to see the doctor. At this time, don't save money. Outside, I said there was no human-to-human transmission. Inside, I emphasized that we needed to enhance precautions by wearing masks. That was very contradictory.
It was a very stressful time, a very painful time. A doctor suggested that we needed to wear isolation gowns. Hospital meeting denied this suggestion, saying that would cause panic. So I asked my staff to wear the isolation gowns inside the coats, though that did not comply with the rules and was ridiculous.
We were seeing more and more patients, at first we thought The Huanan Seafood Wholesale Market played an important role, but then the area of transmission spread fast. Many family infections occurred, one of the first 7 cases got infected when a mother sent food to her son. A boss of a clinic got sick, and he was infected from a patient who came for treatment. They all had serious symptoms. I then surely knew there existed human-to-human transmission. The Huanan Seafood Wholesale Market was closed on January 1, why did we see more and more infected patients if there was no human-to-human transmission?
Very often, I think it would have been better if they hadn't yelled at me. What if they nicely asked me about what I did, and then invited experts from Department of Respiratory to discuss it? At least I could have communicated more inside my hospital. There wouldn't have been so much tragedy if we we all on alert since January 1st.
1月3号下午，在南京路院区，泌尿外科的医生们聚集在一起回顾老主任的工作历程，参会的胡卫峰医生今年43 岁，现在正在抢救；1月8号下午，南京路院区22楼，江学庆主任还组织了武汉市甲乳患者康复联欢会；1月11号早上，科室跟我汇报急诊科抢救室护士胡紫薇感染，她应该是中心医院第一个被感染的护士，我第一时间给医务科科长打电话汇报，然后医院紧急开了会，会上指示把「两下肺感染，病毒性肺炎？」的报告改成「两肺散在感染」；1月16号最后一次周会上，一位副院长还在说：「大家都要有一点医学常识，某些高年资的医生不要自己把自己搞得吓死人的。」另一位领导上台继续说：「没有人传人，可防可治可控。」 一天后，1月17号，江学庆住院，10天后插管、上ECMO。
In the afternoon of January 3, Nanjing Road Section, doctors of Urology Department gathered to review the work history of the old director Gu. Dr. Hu Weifeng, 43, who is now undergoing emergency treatment, attended the meeting. In the afternoon of January 8, 22nd floor, Nanjing Road Section, Dr. Jiang Xueqing organized a rehabilitation party for Wuhan thyroid and breast patients. In the morning of January 11, my staff reported to me that Hu Ziwei, a nurse in the Emergency Department, was infected. She could be the first nurse at the Central Hospital to be infected. The first thing I did was to call the dean of Office of Medical Affairs , and the hospital had an emergency meeting. As the meeting required, "double lung infection, viral pneumonia?" was modified as "two lungs are infected?" At the last weekly meeting on January 16th, one of the vice-deans of the hospital said, "everyone should have some medical knowledge. Some senior doctors shouldn't make themselves scary. ". Another leader went on to say, "there is no human-to-human transmission. It can be prevented, treated and controlled. The next day, on January 17, Jiang was hospitalized. 10 days later, he underwent ECMO treatment.
The the Central Hospital lost heavily, this is related to the lack of transparency of our medical staff. Those infected of Emergency Department and Department of Respiratory did not experience very serious symptoms, it was because that we took precautions, and once you got sick, you immediately relaxed yourself and got treatment. Other departments suffered seriously, Li Wenliang worked in Ophthalmology Department, Jiang Xueqing worked in Thyroid and Breast Department.
Jiang Xueqing was really a very good person, he mastered great medical skill. We only had two doctors who won“Chinese physicians Award”, Jiang was one of them. We were neighbors, we lived in the same unit. I lives on forty floor, he lived on thirty floor, we maintained good relationship. We could only meet at meetings or hospital activities because we were both too busy. He's a workaholic. He's either in the O.R. or in the clinic. No one would specifically remind him of wearing mask. He did not have the time or energy to inquire about these things, and he must have been careless: "Does it matter? It's just pneumonia. " that's what someone in his department told me.
If these doctors had been reminded of the dangers in time, these might not have happened. So I regret very much, if I had known this day, I wouldn't have cared if they criticized me or not. I would spread this information everywhere, right?"
虽然和李文亮同在一个医院，一直到去世之前我都不认得他，因为医院 4000 多号人太多了，平时也忙。他去世前的那天晚上，ICU 的主任跟我打电话借急诊科的心脏按压器，说李文亮要抢救，我一听这个消息大吃一惊，李文亮这个事整个过程我不了解，但是他的病情跟他受训斥之后心情不好有没有关系？这我要打个问号，因为受训的感觉我感同身受。
Although I work in the same hospital with Li Wenliang, I didn't know him before his death. The hospital has more than 4,000 employee, and we’re all busy. The night before his death, the director of the ICU called me to borrow the heart pump and told me that Li Wenliang needed to be rescued. I was shocked when I heard the news. I didn't know the details of Li Wenliang, but was there any relations between his illness and the bad mood after being admonished? I'm not sure about that because I exactly know how it feels after admonishment.
Later, it turned out that Li Wenliang was right. I could feel his mood. Perhaps like my mood, I was not excited nor happy, I regret a lot. I should shouted out the truth. We should continued to tell the truth when asked about it. Many times I told myself that it would be great if time could go backwards.
活着就是好的 It’s good to be alive
在1月23日封城前一天的晚上，有相关部门的朋友打电话问我武汉市急诊病人的真实情况。我说你代表私人，还是代表公家。他说我代表私人。我说代表个人就告诉你真话，1月21号，我们急诊科接诊1523个病人，是往常最多时的 3 倍，其中发烧的有 655 个人。
In the night of January 23rd, the night before the lockdown, a friend from the relevant department called me to ask the truth about emergency patients in Wuhan. I asked if he wanted to know the truth on behalf of himself or if he was on behalf of the government. He said “private”. And I said I would tell you the truth since you just represent yourself. On January 21st, we had 1,523 patients in the emergency department, three times the usual number, 655 of whom had fevers.
People who experienced that period of time in Emergency Department would remember this forever, it even would change your outlook on life.
If this was a war, the Emergency Department was on the front lines. But the situation at that time was: other wards was not able to admit more patients. Almost no one could be admitted, ICU resolutely said NO because once infected patients were admitted, other patients would be infected. Without more beds available from other department, patients all stayed in Emergency Department. In order to get treatment, the patients needed to wait at least several hours, and we couldn't get out of work. The Fever Clinic and the Emergency Department were in a mess. The lobby and the transfusion room were full of people.
还有的病人家属来了，说要一张床，我的爸爸在汽车里面不行了，因为那时候地下车库已封， 他车子也堵着开不进来。我没办法，带着人和设备跑去汽车里去，一看，人已经死了，你说 是什么感受，很难受很难受。这个人就死在汽车里，连下车的机会都没有。
Someone came and asked for a bed, and told us that his father was going to die in the car. The underground parking was locked, and his car was stuck in the traffic jam. I could only took my staff and equipment to run to the car, but the man had died. Tell me how I felt. I felt very very bad. The man did not even have the chance to leave the car, he died inside the car.
There was also an old man whose husband had just died in Jinyintan hospital. Her son and daughter were both infected and were undergoing treatment. Her son-in-law was taking care of her. First, I saw that she was very sick and contacted Department of Respiratory for admission. Her son-in-law, a man seemed well-educated, came to say thanks. I was very worried then and said let’s go right now. After being admitted, she pass away. The “Thanks” took only few seconds, but it also wasted few seconds. I felt very stressful about that "thanks" .
When many others sent their family members to ICU, that’s the last time they met. You could no longer meet them again.
I remember the morning of New Year's Eve, I said let’s take a photo, to commemorate this New Year's Eve during the shift. And I shared this in my Wechat moments. That day, no one expressed blessing. It was nice enough to be alive at that time.
In the past, if you made a mistake, such as not transfusing for the patient in time, the patient may came to a quarrel. No one did so at that time. Everyone was shocked to confusion due to the sudden virus.
When patients died, it was rare to see family members cry, because there were too many deaths. Instead of saying “doctor, please save him or her”, some said “let him or her go. we've come this far”. Because everyone was afraid of being infected at that time.
One day, the patients needed to queue up for 5 hours in front of the fever clinic. A woman suddenly fell over. She was dressed in leather, carrying a bag, and wearing high heels. She looked like a delicate middle-aged woman, but no one dared to help her. She lied on the ground for long time. I asked the nurse and the doctor to help her.
I came into work in the morning of January 30th, and the son of a white haired old man, who was 32 years old, died. He just stared at the doctor and waited for the death certificate. He did not cry. How could he cry? He could not cry. Judging from his look, he might be a worker from other areas. He did not have any route to tell his problems. Without a diagnosis, his son became a death certificate.
That's what I'd like to call on. The patients who died in the Emergency Department were undiagnosed. I hope they will be given explanation, and their families should be given comfort. Our patients were so poor.
Having been a doctor for so many years, I have always felt that no difficulty could defeat me. It also has something to do with my experience and personality.
9岁那年我爸爸就胃癌去世了，那个时候我就想着长大了当个医生去救别人的命。后来高考的时候，我的志愿填的全部都是医学专业，最后考取了同济医学院。1997 年我大学毕业，就到了中心医院，之前在心血管内科工作，2010 年到急诊科当主任的。
My Dad died of stomach cancer when I was 9, and I wanted to grow up to be a doctor and save people's lives. When I finished the college entrance examination, I filled all the choices as medical professional, and finally I was accepted by the Tongji Medical College. I graduated from college in 1997 and started to work in the Central Hospital. I used to work in Cardiology Department before becoming the head of the Emergency Department in 2010.
I feel that the Emergency Department is just like one of my children. I cultivate it to be so strong. My staff are very united. It is not easy to have today, so I cherish my community a lot.
A few days ago, one of my nurses shared this on her Wechat moment “I miss the busy emergency before so much. That kind of busyness is completely different from what we are experiencing now.”
在这次疫情之前，心梗、脑梗、消化道出血、外伤等等这些才是我们急诊的范畴。那种忙是 有成就感的忙，目的明确，针对各种类型的病人都有很通畅的流程，很成熟，下一步干什么， 怎么做，出了问题找哪一个。而这一次是这么多危重病人没办法去处理，没办法收住院，而且我们医务人员还在这种风险之中，这种忙真的很无奈，很痛心。
Prior to this outbreak, heart attack, cerebral infarction, gastrointestinal bleeding, trauma, and so on were our areas of emergency care. That kind of busyness offers a sense of accomplishment. We have clear goal, we have work flow facing all kinds of patients. We know what to do and how do to. But this time, so many critically ill patients were not undergoing effective treatment, they could not be admitted to hospitals, and our medical staff were also in this risk. This kind of busyness was helpless and heartbreaking.
One morning at 8:00, a young doctor in my department sent me a message on Wechat, saying that he wasn't feeling well so he would not go to work that day. He was quite a characteristic man. We all have rules in my department, you should have informed me of your illness before today, so that I could arrange the shift. Where did I find another person to replace since you told me this at 8a.m. that morning? He lost his temper with me on Wechat, saying that large number of highly suspicious cases have been released back to the society by the Emergency Department under your leadership, we are doing a terrible thing! I understood he lost his temper because of his conscience as a doctor, but I lost my temper either, and I said you could sue me, what would you do if you are the head of Emergency Department?
Later, after a few days' rest, the doctor came back to work as usual. He behaved so not because of being of afraid of death or fatigue. He was freaking out facing so many patients.
As a doctor, especially for those doctors who later came to support us, they could not bear these psychologically. They were too shocked not to know what to do. Some doctors and nurses just cried. They cried for others, they cried for themselves because they did not know if they would be the next one to be infected.
Around mid to late January, hospital leaders also got sick one by one, including our head of Outpatient Office and 3 vice deans of the hospital. The daughter of dean of Office of Medical Affairs got sick, he rested at home. The feeling was like, you just fight there, no one was in charge of you.
我身边的人也开始一个接一个地倒掉。1月18日，早上8点半，我们倒的第一个医生，他说主任我中招了，不烧，只做了 CT，肺部一大坨磨玻璃。不一会儿，隔离病房负责的一个责任护士，告诉我说他也倒了。晚上，我们的护士长也倒了。我当时非常真实的第一感觉是 ——幸运，因为倒得早，可以早点下战场。
People around me got sick one by one too. January 18th, 8:30 a.m. , our first doctor, he said “Dean, I am infected. I do not have high fever but I did a CT scan, my lung showed large ground-glass opacity”. At night, my head nurse got sick. What I truly felt was--you are lucky to be sick, because you can leave the battlefield earlier.
I've been in close contact with all three of them, and I've been working every day with the belief that I'm going to get sick. But I did not get infected, the whole hospital believed that I was the miracle. I analyzed for myself, it's probably because I have asthma, and I've been taking some inhaled steroids, which might inhibit the virus from become more in my lungs.
I always think of us who work in Emergency Department as sentimentalists--Emergency Departments usually rank in relatively low level in all Chinese hospitals. People think that Emergency Department is just a transit to admit patients to other departments. This kind of neglect is the same during this outbreak.
In the early days, there were not enough supplies, and sometimes the quality of protective clothing distributed to the Emergency Department was very poor. I was angry when I saw our nurses wearing such clothes to work. I lost my temper in the weekly meeting wechat group. Then a bunch of heads gave me the clothes they had in their department.
Eating was another problem. We were in a mess when we had too many patients. They would not believe that we were in lack of food supply. Many department staff had enough food and drink when they finished their shift, we had nothing here. Some complaint in the high fever clinic wechat group “we only had diapers in Emergency Department”. We had such a life when fighting on the front lines, sometimes it really pissed me off.
My community was really good, everyone kept fighting unless they got sick. This time, more than 40 of my staff got infected in my Emergency Department. I set up a wechat group and invited all the sick doctors to join the group, the name was initially called “The Sick of Emergency Department”. The head nurse said it was not lucky and changed it to "Cheer UP Emergency Department" . Even sick people was not very sad, very desperate, very complaining. They were all quite optimistic, they helped each other to fight the difficulties.
These young people are very good, but they suffered too much with me. I also hope that the state can increase investment in Emergency Departments after this outbreak. Emergency medicine is very important in many countries’ health care system.
不能达到的幸福 Unattainable happiness
February 17, I received a Wechat message, it was from that classmate who works in Tongji Hospital. he told me "I'm sorry" . I said: “Fortunately you spread it out, and reminded some people in time. If he didn't spread the truth, there night not be the other eight persons including Li Wenliang, then fewer people would know the truth.
这次，我们有三个女医生全家感染。两个女医生的公公、婆婆加老公感染，一个女医生的爸 爸、妈妈、姐姐、老公，加她自己 5 个人感染。大家都觉得这么早就发现这个病毒，结果却是这样，造成这么大的损失，代价太惨重了。
Three female doctors of us, their whole families were infected this time. Two female doctor's father-in-law, mother-in-law and husband were infected. A female doctor's father, mother, sister, husband, and herself 5 people were infected. Everyone thought why would we face such a result since we had known this virus so early. The cost is too damn high with so much loss.
The cost is felt in many ways. In addition to the dead, the sick suffer too.
我们「急诊加油群」里，大家经常会交流身体状况，有人问心率总在 120 次/分，要不要紧？那肯定要紧，一动就心慌，这对他们终身都会有影响的，以后年纪大了会不会心衰？这都不好说。以后别人可以去爬山，出去旅游，他们可能就不行，那都是有可能的。
In our Cheer UP Emergency Department group, we often talked about our physical condition. Some people asked if it's OK to have a heart rate of 120 beats per minute for long time? That was definitely serious. That might would have an impact on their entire life. Would they suffer from heart failure when they get older? It is hard to say. Other people can climb the hills, travel around. It is possible that they would no longer be able to do so.
Wuhan used to be a bustling place, now you feel quietness everywhere, and many things are sold out. The whole country is supporting Wuhan. A few days ago, a nurse of a medical team from Guangxi suddenly fell into a coma while she was working. If she hadn't come, she would have been fine at home, and this would not have happened. So I think we owe them, really.
After this outbreak, it hit a lot of people in the hospital very hard. Several of my medical staff, including some of my key staff members, were considering resigning. They start to wonder if these concepts, common senses on this occupation were right or wrong--you have been working so hard, right or wrong? Like Jiang Xueqing, he worked too hard and was too patient-friendly. He had been doing surgery every festival. Today, someone shared on the wechat moment a message written by Jiang Xueqing's daughter, saying that all her father's time was given to the patient.
I've had such a thought thousands of times--should I go back home to be a housewife? I almost didn't go home since the outbreak, I lived outside with my husband. My sister helped me to take care of my kids. My little baby could not even recognize me when we saw each other in video chat. I was so upset. It was not easy giving birth to my little baby, I had gestational diabetes. He was 10 jin(5kg) when he was born. I used to breastfeed him but I had to stop it. I was sad when making the decision. My husband said “It’s a meaningful thing to do for anyone who could have a chance to face such a thing. You don’t simply participate in this, you have to lead a team to fight. It would be a valuable experience to remember when everything goes back to normal in life.”
In the morning of February 21st, my leader talked to me. In fact, I would like to ask a few questions, such as do you feel that the admonishment on me was wrong. I was hoping they could say sorry to me. I dared not. No one has ever said sorry to me on any occasion. But I still think that this incident let us know that everyone should stick to their own independent thinking, because someone has to stand out telling the truth, someone has to, and the world needs a different voice, right?
As Wuhan people, which one of us does not love their city? We now look back to the most ordinary of lives, it was luxurious happiness. Holding my baby, accompanying him to play the children's slide, hanging out for a movie with husband, these were just ordinary life. But now, it’s happiness to me, unattainable happiness.